Party of five: Death, Killers, and King
Chris thought it would be really cool to get five fictional characters into the same room for a dinner party.
1. Sabriel (from Garth Nix’s novel of the same name. I just might have a thing for brooding female necromancers).
2. Pepper (from Tobias Buckell’s novels. <raising mug/>get well soon, Tobias)
3. Takeshi Kovacs (from Richard Morgan’s novels–leave the interface guns at home, they just make you twitchy)
4. Paul Atreides (from Dune, Frank Herbert)
5. Joanna Lander (from Connie Willis’ Passage. Lot of questions for you, Dr. Lander)
Unfortunately, Chris, this isn’t nearly as good an idea as it sounds. As it happens, I was recently at a party where these five people were holding forth, and it wasn’t pretty. As all my friends know, I have a near-phonographic ear for fictional conversations, and this is pretty much how it went:
PAUL
…and, I would add, when it happens in the drawing room.
SABRIEL[TO HERSELF]
Pretentious ass. I bet his mom fed him that line. [NOTICING JOANNA LANDER] Hey, I’m Sabriel. I thought I should introduce myself, since we’re the only women here.
JOANNA
Joanna. I’m sorry, it’s kind of depressing. [SIGHS] I collect near-death experience narratives for a research project.
SABRIEL
Depressing? That’s fantastic! You have no idea how relevant that is to my everyday life!
PEPPER[SIZING UP SABRIEL AND JOANNA]
Hel-lo, ladies!
(Rapt in conversation, JOANNA doesn’t even notice PEPPER. Sabriel gives him a single, irritated glance, briefly touches the the bells strapped to her waist, decides to ignore the interloper.)
PEPPER
(Shrugs and turns away, looking for the bar.)
KOVACS
(Entering, sizes up the crowds, sidles carefully up to PEPPER)
Hey.
PEPPER[GUARDEDLY]
Hey.
KOVACS
Nice sleeve. Where’d you get it?
PEPPER[GLANCES AT SHIRT]
Made it myself.
KOVACS[IMPRESSED]
Wow. I mean, just wow. I thought I was past being impressed. How the fuck did you do that?
PEPPER[CONFUSED, PLAYING IT COOL]
Hey, you got to know how to deal, man. Been by myself a lot, last few hundred years, got to know how to fend, know what I’m saying?
KOVACS
Oh, yes, I certainly do.
PAUL
I see before me two warriors of powerful aspect. I have need of such men as you.
KOVACS
(Spits)
PEPPER
(Laughing)
Hey, whatever, man.
PAUL
I knew you were going to say that.
SABRIEL
(to Joanna)
No, no, actually it’s not like that at all!
JOANNA
(confused)
What are you talking about? I’ve done hundreds of near-death interviews, and they’re all the same!
SABRIEL
Well, don’t get snooty.
JOANNA
(crumples into tears, turns away, bumps into KOVACS)
KOVACS
Look, I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot before. Were you saying something about near-death experiences?
JOANNA
Ye-es…
KOVACS
Maybe we should talk.
JOANNA
(brightening)
Why, did you have a near-death experience?
KOVACS
No, but I’ve killed a ton of people. Maybe you want to watch me in action sometime?
JOANNA
(backs away, horrified, bumps into SABRIEL)
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so clumsy…
PAUL
(taps her on the shoulder, trying to impress her)
I knew you were going to say that.
JOANNA
(squeals)
SABRIEL
Hey, Joanna, I’m the one who should be saying sorry. Let me show you what I was talking about.
(They leave the room, talking to each other. As they reach the edge of the frame, SABRIEL removes bells from holster at her waist.)
PAUL
(to everyone)
I am Duke Paul Atreides, Agamemnon’s direct lineal heir over three thousand generations!
(frustrated)
Why isn’t anyone impressed?
KOVACS
(bumps into him with his chest)
Why would I be impressed? is there something here I should be impressed with?
(to PEPPER)
Do you see anything I should be impressed with?
PEPPER
Hey, man, I’m just here for the food.
PAUL
(grumbling)
I knew you were going to say that.
(assumes an elaborate martial-arts stance)
You have insulted the honor of my family!
KOVACS
Oh, please. Hey, what’s that on your shirt?
PAUL
(looks down)
What do you mean?
KOVACS
(strikes PAUL seventeen times in the groin, throat, and spine. PAUL collapses to the ground, moaning piteously)
KOVACS and PEPPER exchange high fives.
CASE and MOLLY wander in from outside.
CASE
You ever see a sky like that before?
MOLLY
It was weird. Kind of like television, tuned to a dead channel.
CASE
I was thinking it was more like a default 404 page, from some lame website.
(scans room)
Fucking bunch of straights. Bet there isn’t an octagon in the entire room.
PEPPER and KOVACS turn toward MOLLY, whistle in unison.
MOLLY faces PEPPER and KOVACS, relaxed but ready for anything.
PEPPER
Honey, you’re prettier than Aztec blood on a white tile floor.
KOVACS
Can I interest you in a life full of despair and futility, punctuated with spasms of pointless violence?
MOLLY
Like, can I hear what’s behind door number three?
PAUL
(from the floor)
I knew you were going to say that.
(Everyone ignores him.)
JOANNA and SABRIEL fade into view, with a sound like the transporters in the original Star Trek.
JOANNA
That was incredible! This will change everything! Let’s see, for the paper, I’ll need you to take three other people, then I’ll collect their narratives…
SABRIEL
(alarmed)
No, you can’t tell anyone. That wasn’t what we agreed.
KOVACS
(trying to impress MOLLY)
Hey, look what I can do!
KOVACS jumps up, clings to the ceiling by his fingertips.
PEPPER
That’s nothing, man.
PEPPER jumps straight up, crashes right through the ceiling. Bits of plaster rain down.
MOLLY shakes her head in exasperation.
CASE
(to PAUL, trying to get off the floor)
Hey, kid, take it easy. You look like you really took a beating there.
(Snaps fingers for attention)
Can we get this poor fucker a new pancreas or something?
PAUL
(wearily)
I knew you were going to say that.
